Dealing With the Dads on a Wedding Day

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"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony. Who gives this woman to be married to this man?"

This is the traditional start to most wedding ceremonies, give or take a few words, and, to most people watching the ceremony, this is Dad's biggest role at the wedding.

But that's not really true, is it?

Of course, Dad plays many roles leading up to this day and, as a wedding photographer, recognizing and respecting these roles will help make your job a little easier.

Being a Wedding Day Dad could be one of the toughest jobs.

Imagine going to a carnival and taking along the entire third-grade class.

When you get to the carnival, all three hundred kids stop at the entrance, turn and look at you. Yup, it's your job to pay for all of them to get in...and eat...and drink...and ride all the rides...all day long...including the games.

That's kinda like the traditional role of a dad on a wedding day. Sure, he can play a couple of games himself and grab a beverage or two, but this carnival is for the kids.

How would that feel?

Now, keep that feeling as we chat about how to deal with the dads on a wedding day.

There are traditionally two dads at a wedding - one for the bride, who is paying for everything and one for the groom, who is paying for nothing except for the rehearsal dinner the night before (traditionally speaking.)

One is marrying off a daughter, and the other is marrying off a son. Of course, there are variations to the family units, but let's stick with the more traditional scenario for today.

The Father of the Bride plays a very special role on a wedding day. So special, in fact, that they've made five movies about him, all called Father of the Bride and used some pretty big stars like Spencer Tracy, Steve Martin and Andy Garcia as the leading dad.

For the father of the bride, you'll need to offer a little extra love and support.

I don't have a daughter, so I can't relate. I don't know what it feels like to "lose a daughter but gain a son."

I'm guessing it's significantly tougher to see your little girl grow up and shift her love, attention and admiration from you, the Main Man of the Manor, to some dude you just met last year.

I'm channeling Steve Martin's role now to help with the empathy.

His role, up to this point, has been primarily relegated to head check writer, card swiper and financier.

Never forget this fact. Like him or not, you're on his payroll today, and he deserves your respect.

What can we do for the Father of the Bride? Surprisingly, a lot.

• Touch base early on and see if he needs anything or would like any special requests regarding photos. He also has family and friends, so getting shots of him and the people he's close to is always nice.

• Ask the bride if she wants a First Look with her dad. Not all brides want this, but for most, this is the first time Dad is seeing his daughter in her wedding dress, and this is a big deal. You don't have to go overboard with the presentation, but getting his reaction seeing his little girl dressed like this on this day is pretty priceless as Mastercard would say.

• Get a photo of him with his parents if you can. As an older person, I can confidently say that you'll always be your parent's kid, and this is a special shot (include his daughter as a three-generation bonus)

• Offer to buy him a drink at the reception. He'll appreciate the irony because he knows he's the one buying it anyway.

• Check in with him throughout the day. He won't need anything, but showing that you care (because you do) is a classy move.

• Compliment his toast. It wasn't easy for him to deliver this one.

• You absolutely must get a shot of him with his wife. This is a special day for Mom and Dad, and you want to commemorate it for them.

• At the end of the night, congratulate him on the amazing day. No, he didn't make many decisions, but again, you KNOW his role, and it's worth it for him to hear, "This was really a great wedding!" from someone who knows weddings.

What all this boils down to is just being a little nicer to this gentleman - not because he has three more daughters, but because, in most traditional weddings, without his help, this wedding could be vastly different (and possibly not include you.)

On the other side of the aisle, they don't make a lot of movies about the Father of the Groom.

For these lucky guys, they really just get to be one of the guys.

They don't have any special first look for the dad of the groom. They don't make special shirts or even have any special dances.

But that doesn't mean they don't deserve some special attention...just not much.

What can you do for the Father of the Groom?

• Be nice (of course), offer to shoot anything special for them too, but understand they probably feel like they were just invited to this big party because they are the parents of the groom (That's not too far from the truth)

• Get some shots of Dad helping his son get ready. This should not be posed, so get what you can, but understand that the groom probably doesn't get this dressed up that often, so seeing Dad with the tie or cufflinks is both memorable and very sweet.

• (Traditionally speaking) They didn't help plan anything. They aren't paying for anything, but they are "losing" their son, which may be a part of life, but it's still a tough part of life.

• The Mother of the Groom is probably having a tougher time dealing with this, so supporting her husband is a nice way to support them both.

• Make sure you get a photo with his wife.

• Make sure to get a photo of Dad and Groom, which is pretty easy to get during the groomsmen's shots that Dad is typically a part of.

That's about it for the Father of the Groom. Again, this day is a bit different for him, so making him comfortable is always, as Martha Stewart would say, "a good thing."

At the end of the day, empathy is the word for Dad.

If you're a guy, you might make a quicker connection with Dad. Guys bond like that.

If you're a female, you'll make a stronger connection with Dad because you understand his feelings. That's almost a superpower so don't underestimate it.

Dad might not be the most important person on a wedding day, but they'll probably be the least demanding so take a little extra time, take a little extra care, and Dad will take care of you.

Dealing with dads is one of the little parts of the "inner game of wedding photography." THIS is what I write about each week in this newsletter.

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Questions? Shoot me an email at chris@insideweddingphotography.com